Thursday, September 14, 2006

It's not you, it's them

People write me

If someone had to ask me the one reason I've kept blogging all these years, I would have to say it's because people write me. I'm throwing these huge open letters out into the internet every other week, and mostly they are for my friends (who I don't tell enough how much I appreciate them). My last entry was overwrought, full of too much information, and probably confusing. And yet, I'm glad I put it out there, because lots of people wrote or IM'ed me, saying the same thing that everyone always says about my writing. Basicly, the response I always get in one form or another is:

me, too.

I think Kati said it best this time though. She wrote:

I hope you're able to balance your creative life with your vocation. I
think you can have both, and like Winn, I think you have to. I think both
are a part of you, and I can't imagine Elizabeth without either. I also
think you're too conscious of yourself to be able to turn into your father.
Like Michael, you learned so much about 'how to do life' by watching what
your parents did, and then not doing it. I think you can be creative and
not become your father. I think you can have your vocation and still be

I think your bosses have sucked. And I know how a bad boss can really wear
you down. I was beginning to think it was me, these problems I've been
having at work the last year or so. I thought maybe I had a problem with
authority. But I have authority here at my new job, and no problem with it.
I have just had really sucky bosses before. So in case you were
wondering, it's not you. It's them. No worries, E.

Yep, less worries now. Kati hit the nail on the head: I was beginning to worry I had problems with authority. But I crave authority!

Still, it is partly me: I've got to learn how to handle this stuff better, personally. I'm pretty proud of myself for not crying once at this workplace. Not even when things have just been godawful. So I think I am learning how to respond better. One of my co-workers came into my office during the whole mess and told me she thought I was acting very professional and getting through some of the problems related to my return from maternity leave with grace. So everything's not all so bad. I will learn this too: how to work for and with people who don't always act their best.

And things will get better. I'm painting again, using thick acrylics to color in an old art-deco line drawing. It's taking me weeks because I can only do a little every night when Dot naps, but when the big picture is done all my patience will have paid off into something I can hang in my living room and enjoy every day.

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