Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Why I'm so Angry all the time

Why I'm so Angry all the time

part one - the rant about lovers.

So I realized after DragonCon that I have this enormous well of anger inside of me. The four day party with my friends was fabulous. I have rarely had such a good time for four days straight - the partying, the hugs, the entertainment couldn't have been better.

But so what? I was still alone in a fucking sea of 30,000 people. Even when my friends gathered around me at my suite for a party - even when I was snuggled against Skeet (one of my oldest friends) while he patted my back and held me near, even then I felt incomplete. I am loved. I know this. Everyone gathers to me for parties, for road trips, for food and conversation. I work hard to be a good friend, I gather people I truly admire to me. Aral, after spending a few days with my friends, commented on how amazing they all are. I know this. I know I am lucky. I am constantly amazed at the quality of people who will put up with my ass.

But still -

It was late on Sunday evening when I crawled back to my own house for a night of sleep before the final day of the festival. In the dark, Virgil came and sat in a chair in the study to talk to me while I fitfully rolled in the guest bed, unable to relax after 3 solid days of overstimulation. Actually, 3 days of Dragon Con overstimulation and a week of Los Angeles before that, a week in a Beverly Hills wasteland working my ass off and missing everyone. I had then gorged on my friend's attentions and presence, and now I couldn't sleep. Virgil is ever the night owl, and we spoke softly as my roommate Dinan, and Serena, his love interest of five years, slept in neighboring rooms.

And we were speaking of Serena, who is beautiful and quiet and clearly adored by my oldest friend, despite some difficulties they have had over the years. And Virgil said:

The truth is, we are miserable without each other. I can't imagine life without her.

He spoke of the patience they have both had to learn. He talked about the rough times, and how tough they were, and how sometimes the toughest decision had turned out to be best.

And I said "I'm angry. I knew - deep down I knew years ago - that I would end up alone. Call it self- fulfilling or whatever, but I am angry. It shouldn't be like this. It wasn't supposed to be like this. And the decisions I've made have been good ones, and I've still ended up alone. And I'm beginning to realize how late it is, and I'm angry. It's not fair."

Do you want to kick your feet and whine too?

Yes. Yes I do. I got turned down by my lover Sunday night. We were supposed to have dinner and an evening, and he got busy and forgot, and then it was the third night of Con and there were more important things for him to do than me.

Which is reasonable. I have more important things to do than him, usually. Usually I am the one first out the door. Because, well, I can live without him. I'm not miserable without him. The definition of a lover is someone who is *not* your significant other. A lover is someone you sleep with and leave. There are no strings.

Having a lover sucks.

I've had other girls enviously ask me how I do it. How do I always seem to have someone that I just sleep with, that I don't have to put up with from day to day. They think, because they see these relationships from afar, that having a lover is a desirable thing. It's not.

The sex is good though. It's always really, really good, or decently passionate enough that you don't mind the fact that you're naked with someone you wouldn't date. Lovers are people that you keep out of town, that you wouldn't really hang out with, because if you're hanging out *and* sleeping together, then you're dating. You're just not saying that you're dating, and that's lying to yourself, and I'm against lying in general.

No, having a lover is having someone who can live without you, someone who has a million other more important things than you, but who enjoys sex as much as you do. And that's bad. My lover is not as important to me, as, say, getting a good hotel room for the Con. My lover is not more important than my friends. My lover also doesn't think I'm more important than a good party. I am not the first thing he thinks of in the morning. He doesn't call me when he sees something that makes him think of me, because he rarely thinks of me at all. And that's OK, because we're reciprocal in that. We're grown-ups, we're all above the table with this. We know what's on the up and up.

Meanwhile, the person I really can't live without - a guy I have easily cried over a dozen times over - can easily live without me.

And I know the best guys. Seriously. I have the best guy friends ever. None of them are up for involvement with me, and that's OK.

But it does make me angry. I'm the friend. I'll always be the friend. I'll always be throwing the party, and listening to the most amazing men tell me about how much they love other women. And I don't even get to sleep with the guys who love me as a friend when they happen to be single. Because my guy friends are so cool, they're far to gentlemanly to really take that big step that can often lead to awkwardness. No, I'm stuck with lovers. As the guy I love best said,

I love you, I'm just not in love with you.

I love my guy friends, but I don't get to be in love with anyone. I just get to sleep around. And other girls are jealous. Don't be. I sleep around because I'm still waiting for someone to tell me they can't imagine life without me. Meanwhile, I go to the best parties, I fly across the country to look at LA covered in lights, and I sleep in king size hotel beds alone most of the time.

And I'm angry a lot of the time about that.

No comments: