Monday, January 13, 2003

lost mind


someone wants to marry me

I am hyperventilating

and hiding in my closet

because I am chickenshit

and the world is full of beautiful men

I had been so dedicated to going all of this alone

and infecting no others with my feminine madness

my irrational monthly flux of emotion

that makes the women in my family scream at their husbands

I didn't want to be that crazy woman, the wife

but I am so in love

that I cannot imagine life without him

whenever I see something, I think of what he would say

and we put each other to comfortable sleep with our words

I've been screwing around for years now

with men who set my nervous system on fire

but not one of them knew how to talk

about ravens, the power of green things

or the relentless pull of the oceans

and I have been sucked under by the tide of life

rejoining the rest of the great salty water

that is family, cycle, everyone and everything

and it's shocking, this push and pull

of everyday emotion against the reality of the world

I have a hard time talking about it

and writing wasn't working

so I cut up a million little pictures

and glued them all together into a new shape

my room is a terrible mess

there's a pressure in my chest

but everything feels right

and I hope I can handle all of this

without screwing it up

the fear is pretty intense

but I'd rather fail because of trying

than fail because of fear.

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